Okay so I completely disappeared. I went on a binder crazy eating. I completely lost control for, what, I don’t know two weeks. I gained 15 pounds! Do you know how long I worked to lose that weight? Grrrr. I am so angry at myself. I went on a five day semi juice cleanse (still breastfeeding), lost 5 pounds, and then went on another 2 day binder. I am now on day 3 of eating normal amounts again. Will I ever make it to day 21? I wonder where my will power is when it comes to food. I have weighed 210 pounds before and I have weighed 120 pounds. Right now I am about 160. I used to be anorexic with bouts of binge eating but then I would throw up. I guess when I think about it I have never really been all that great with food. I feel like I eat healthy whole foods. I love being vegan, but then I turn into this terrifying food zombie stuffing anything I can in my mouth. How healthy is that? I crave sweets so I will eat chocolate, but then that makes me feel like I really wanted salty so I eat chips. Then that makes me feel like I really wanted cheese, so…Etc. You get the point. I need to get this under control. I especially hate eating chocolate with my daughter sitting next to me stuffing her face as well. I want her to be healthy and have a good relationship with food. So here I go again. Wish me luck@
Well day one of my do over was successful but to be honest my stomach still isn’t back to normal so it was easier than usual. I have to say I feel so much better when I don’t eat as much. I wish I could remember how I feel so light and good when I don’t overeat right when I am about to go crazy and just start eating. When I was younger I used to go a week or so without eating (could never do that now) and then go on a binge but I would throw it up. I think I just never really learned to have a good relationship with food. I am really trying but it seems like it is always all or nothing for me. In all areas of my life really. If I’m going to eat a piece of coconut oil chocolate, I am going to eat the whole batch I just made. Or I’m going to go the whole day without eating. I really want to learn to eat not just well but in normal amounts because I do eat healthy foods. I want to do this for myself and my daughter who is wanting to eat whatever I have. Sometimes when I binge she does and I just hate myself for that.
Well I did not make it. Ugh. After four days I went on a binge for two days and then the night of the second day I caught my daughter’s stomach bug. So for one whole day I ate nothing and today I ate only about 1300 calories. I normally eat about 2200. I am hoping tomorrow my stomach will feel better and I am going to restart my 21 day challenge to myself. I ate non-vegan one day but that was because I am such a wuss. I ordered a tofu burrito with no sour cream and cheese and there was cheese and sour cream on it. I am too much of a wuss to send food back so I ate it. Then I had a whole chocolate bunny. I got sick that night and I don’t think I will be tempted to eat tofu or chocolate for quite a long time. Anyway tomorrow day 1. DO OVER!
Day three of no binge eating is almost over. As long as I don’t go downstairs after my baby goes to bed I will be good. I now have a sick baby to contend with among all my other issues. Poor baby is teething and sick…again! Anyway I was thinking that it may help to put some sort of time frame on my challenge to myself to make it a little less overwhelming. I have heard many times that it takes 21 days to break a habit so that will be my first goal. I will make it 21 days eating healthy and hope that it sticks. I used to have such self control around food I know I must have it in me. Im doing pretty well on calories but the most important thing to me is to have control again.
Yesterday I was able to go all day without binge eating. It helped that I was so tired by the time my two year old went to bed at 9 that I passed out. She is teething and we are not sleeping too much at all. I am so tired and really just want a break to sleep. Plus PMS and a grumpy child seems to result in me yelling and then feeling guilty for about two weeks. Her dad was supposed to come see her this weekend which would have been really great but for unknown reasons he changed his mind the day before he was supposed to come down from Oregon. I do think that sleep deprivation plays a big role in my over eating. I tend not to feel the urge as badly when I am not so tired. Today has been good so far and we are going to lunch with my parents. I am just so ready to stop feeling this haze over my whole mind. I want to feel sharp and energetic. I want a life! One can dream.
I have been eating a plant based vegan diet now for almost a month. I was eating Body for Life style for over a year (about 120 grams of protein a day mostly eggs and cottage cheese) and I have never had less energy or problems with binge eating. I guess a big part of my problem is having a 21 month old who still wont sleep at night and going through a divorce. I just knew something needed to change and I figured my diet was the obvious place to start. Back when I was in my early twenties I struggled with Anorexia and Bulimia. I have been trying to establish a good relationship with food but it is hard. I gained 100 pounds while I was pregnant and have been dieting ever since about 6 months postpartum. I am down 60 pounds but I feel like sometimes I have no control over food. I am crazily enough still breastfeeding since my toddler refuses to give it up and I just feel starving all the time. I will eat well all day and at night just go crazy and eat anything I can get my hands on. Only 3 times I have binged on dairy the rest of the time I do binge on stuff that is technically vegan but not really what I would call healthy. I am ready to get this under control and be a good role model for my daughter. I want her to grow up with a healthy attitude towards food and what I eat, she eats. I am starting a journey of learning how to find a balance with food. Not starving myself but not losing control. Here I go…